Rachael Ray: LIAR

Dear Rachael Ray,

I have a bone to pick with you. You have been quoted as saying:

"Tired of making the same old same old week after week after week? How about a brand new 30-minute dinner every night for an entire year? It's amazing what a half hour can do for your tastebuds!"

Ooh wow Rachael Ray! That's what I want! Let me run to Borders and buy all your cookbooks! Gee, I wish the speed limit on University Avenue was faster so I could get home and start cooking right away!!

Oh, wait. I forgot.

Your recipes make me want to kill myself!!

I have yet to make a meal of yours that has taken me less than an hour. Mince the yellow onion, seed and chop the jalapeno, dice the garlic cloves, season the chicken....AND POKE MY EYEBALLS OUT WHEN I REALIZE THAT I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO "STEP ONE: BOIL THE WATER" YET! Are the titles of your books severe editing mistakes? Were they meant to be called "30 minutes of prep and then give up and order take-out meals?" That seems more appropriate.

And what's up what your "everyday ingredients?" 1/4 cup dry sherry eh? Hmm lemme go into my pantry and pull that off the wine shelf. Oh here it is, right next to my head of radicchio and three cups of cubed sourdough bread, how convenient!

Have you walked into a normal person's pantry lately? Normal people don't have fennel bulbs and kielbasa just lying around. How bout making a recipe with something I do have my pantry? Like Frosted Flakes, peanut butter and black beans? Let's be practical, here.

Also, what's goin' on with the cutesy little things you say on your show. "Yum-o!" Calling extra virgin olive oil "EVOO?" Real creative, Rach. Sandwiches are now "sammies?" Pack up your stupid sayings and low-cut shirts and get off my Food Network. Life was so much better when it was just Emeril.

And what's the point of cooking something of yours when I could have dinner at an upscale Parisian bistro for LESS MONEY? Why does every recipe of yours call for like, a pound of cheese? Are you aware that a pound of any given cheese costs like EIGHT WHOLE DOLLARS?! That means I have to put in an hour at work just to be able to afford the cheese for my Southwestern Chicken Bake. You know what that is? Pretty messed up, that's what. Pretty dang messed up.

Shrimp and Crab Fritters with Chopped Salad and Roasted Red Pepper and Pickle Vinaigrette?

Oh yeah let's make that for the kids they'll looooove that one.

Lemony Crispy Chicken Cutlets and Roasted Tomato Salad with Pine Nuts and Blue Cheese?

Pine nuts, eh? That's funny because last time I checked, I was a human. Not a chipmunk.

Involtini all'Enotec'Antica with Gnocchi?

Newsflash. THIS IS AMERICA. We speaky-ehspeaky English, yah?

Am I being too picky? Is it wrong for me to just want something quick to fix for my husband and I after a long day of classes? Apparently so. Until then, I guess I'm stuck with Broccoli Frittata with Goat Cheese and Pumpkin Polenta.

Sincerely,
Kristi Boyce

Go away.