My Top 10 Facebook Grievances

Mmmkay. Full disclosure: I enjoy Facebook as much as anybody, but there are certain things people do on it, The Shining Beacon of TMI, that irk me beyond belief.

Under the banner of social decency, I have decided to list (in no particular order) my top 10 Facebook grievances (hey, Martin Luther must have gotten his start somewhere too, right?). If you have committed one of the following offenses: fear not. It doesn't make you a bad person. I just groan when you pop up (AGAIN) on my newsfeed.

1. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Woodstock was soooo 40 years ago. "Peace and love" are NOT religious views. Nor is "karma" a political view. If you're not a religious person, then just say so. If you really don't know what's going on in politics, there's handy little option for you: "moderate."

2. Needlessly taking quizzes. Now, don't get me wrong. I think some of the quizzes on here are fun. But when people take quizzes like "What temple will you get married in?" when they're ALREADY MARRIED, it gets a little ridiculous. Do you really need to take the "How well do you know so-and-so?" quiz when so-and-so is your mom? Nothing is more annoying then when your newsfeed is clogged up with one person taking 20 random quizzes. C'mon people.

3. Posting song lyrics as your status. I don't know why this bugs me so much. Maybe I'm just not up-to-date with all the new-age emo lyrics that people are into these days. But in my opinion, unless those song lyrics truly describe your life in that moment (e.g. you write "won't you pleeeease pleeeease help me!" as a burglar is about to stab you in the face) then say something else. 

4. Do you seriously have 100 favorite musical artists? You honestly couldn't whittle it down to say, ten-ish? If not, then kudos. You're more musically literate than I (which admittedly isn't hard to be). But I will always harbor a sneaking suspicion that you were really just bored on some idle Saturday with nothing better to do than update your profile.

5. "Deep" statuses (stati?). "Jane is: gazing heavenward...but sees only blackness." Hmm. There are probably more appropriate venues for you to express the metaphysical ramblings of your inner soul other than...a FB status. Just sayin'.

6. Stop taking pictures of yourself. Really. No amount of picture-taking will make you hotter than you actually are. And the whole taking-a-picture-of-yourself-standing-in-front-of-a-mirror: sooo passe. Oh, and you're not the first person to own a Macbook either, trust me. I don't need to see a full album of all you having fun with PhotoBooth. I've seen hundreds of bug-eyed fish faces. They're not funny anymore.

7. Girls: slutty pictures of you acting lesbian with all your friends. I don't wanna see pictures of you squeezing your friend's boob, or like having your tongues jutting out towards each other, or giving each other lap dances. It's not sexy. It's nasty. 

8. Updating your status every five hours. If the only person showing up on your wall is YOU, consider easing up a bit . . .

9. Getting invited to events when I don't live ANYWHERE NEAR YOU. It would be great to celebrate your 21st birthday at the Drunken Monkey, but I don't live in Fort Collins anymore. And I don't drink. And if you're unaware of both those facts...then why are you inviting me to your birthday party??

10. When people's random box is waaay too random. "I would pay to see a life size animatronic dinosaur show. I really would." Yes, I'm talking to you Sierra Robinson :)


The end.